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--October 7, 2006 Fraser Michigan. A 45 Minute Shift

'Twas a full moon as a few lone pigs took the ice on a cool October eve.

5 to be exact. 5 of the meanest, oldest, blood-spitting pigs to take on some 11 plus Somebody's Roof guys. "Do you want to forfeit and skate a scrimmage," asked the Roof Guys? "HA!" snorted back the Pigs. "BRING IT, ROOF BOY."

Jimmy -- I eat pucks for breakfast -- Waggoner skated back to his net, ready to break as many sticks as he could carry. Troy Kennelly took up his D slot with plenty of menance Guest Pig, Jose Valdez, skated back to the other D slot on the tips of his skates, slinging pen mud all the way. "Bring it" Buccini, with blood already soaking the front of his jersey, bounded to center, spitting chunks of flesh and phlegm. Dougie -- where's my smokes -- Waggoner, cruised over to left, a trail of smoke and fire following him. T -- no Boombas in sight -- Norton limped to right wing, horking up a lung.

The 5 lone pigs skated the first to a draw with Roof Boy, slinging plenty of pen mud and dragging Roof Boy deep into the awesome quagmire of pen D. Tommy broke a stick. Jimmy, well, Jimmy was a wall.

Period 2 came round, with the Pigs still standing, spitting blood, but breathing hard. Iron Man Valdez was just getting warmed up. This was WAR. And we were just the PIGS for this WAR!

"Bring it" Buccini broke the deadlock, beating roof boy goalie clean with a wicked slapper. One of the angriest pig snarls ever could be heard all the way into the parking lot. Fire came off his stick and there was a deep ice rut left. Tommy got the assist, mostly because of his obnoxious pig scream.

Roof boy came back to score one off two skate deflections. That was it. Jimmy decided he would let no more pucks in the rest of the night and built a brick wall that no huffing and puffing would break.

Then a roof boy bobbled the outlet pass. Tommy knocked it down, skated in hard, and Roof boy goalie moved to poke it. Tommy lunged, shoved the puck 5 hole, and then rocked the net and roof boy goalie, skates, sticks and ice flying. Zebra signaled good goal.

Roof boy began to unravel. 6 men on, then 7, then offsides. Then offsides again. After a punishing pig D stint, Jimmy heard Roof boy, picking himself up off the ice, swear, "how the f_ck are you doing this?" Jimmy laughed the laugh only he can do. It's reported a roof boy got so scared, he crapped himself.

Troy carried in a bunch, putting the serious hurt on roof boy goalie trying to stop some smokin' shots. Any roofie coming down the boards paid and paid hard with a Troy Kennelly punishing D move. Valdez was skating so hard you couldn't see his legs move anymore -- just one big Tazmanian Devil blur.

But Dougie . . . Dougie was just saving that last bit of lung. He cranked one back, slinging pen mud farther than it's ever been slung before, leaving dripping, dirty stains on the back of Roof boy's net. The Insurance Goal. Valez and Tommy got assists. Hell, there were only 2 other pigs on the ice.

Roof boy bench errupted in dissaray. Water bottles flying. Curses stinking the air blue. The Pig bench? Wait . . . that's right, the bench was EMPTY. Buccini decided to up the ante putting the pigs on a penalty kill, just to taunt Roof boy.

8:03 to go third. Buccini sensed the pen was seriously draggin ass, smartly calling time out. The pigs sucked air and water. Few words were spoken, or needed to be . . . one man only go deep. "Taz Man" Valdez obliged. The Pigs killed off two penalties. Roof boy was seeing ghosts.

5:00 to go third. Roof boy offsides, then again, then a third time. Pigs snarled up the blue line like some 696 traffic jam. Valdez taz'd his way deep making Roof boy pay.

2:00 to go. Dump and Chase. Ugly as a Pig in shit, but effective.

0:30 to go, Dougie gets called, tempers flaring. But the 4 pigs left could not be moved. Ain't nothing meaner than a cornered Pig.

Then . . . the buzzer blared and the rink rocked. Hoots and Snorts around. The battle weary pigs could barely stand, but glove "fives" exchanged. Roof boy was in a world of shit. He came to the pen and would not escape. PIGS WIN! PIGS WIN!

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Post Sript: On behalf of the 5 battle-hardened Pigs it is my duty to relay the dressing room vote: Enema Boy goes to the all the rest of all y'all lame-ass pigs that abandoned the pen this night!!!!!